Yesterday was Christmas, and per holiday tradition, my husband and I went to celebrate at my Irish Catholic grandmother’s house. Naturally, it was a pretty big crowd, all packed into the leprechaun-sized bungalow that my dad and his siblings grew up in.
And with that many family members, you’re bound to get a few fabulous questions thrown your way. So, without further ado, here are the best of this year’s Christmas Questions.
P.S. This is not safe for work!
Q: What was your favorite Christmas present?
A: The gift from my husband. I asked for nothing, and he came through.
Q: (Cousin peering into the patchwork manger) Did anyone else notice that Mary had triplets this year?
A: Gifts for the wisemen?
Q: Should I bring LSD to the party?
A: Please don’t.
Q: (Nun #1) What possessed you to write a book about prostitutes?
Q: When are you guys having babies?
A: Probably not.
Q: Is Annelise pregnant?
A: (squawked across the house) Hell no!
Q: Why aren’t you having babies yet?
A: Because we’re poor, and it would be unfair to the children.
Q: I knew 12 kids raised in a chicken coop, and they were all perfectly happy!
A: That’s fucked up.
Q: How did you do research for your book?
A: I watched a ton of porn.
Q: Speaking of porn, did you hear about the teacher who accidentally gave his students a porn link for a homework assignment?
A: . . .
Q: (imitating student) Um, excuse me, but could I have some extra homework for the weekend, please?
Q: Did you know, in Egypt, they shit in the Nile?
A: Did you know, in New York City, they shit in the East River?
Q: Where’s your sister?
A: In the Carolinas.
Q: Doing what?
A: Her boyfriend.
P.S. I love my family very much, and I appreciate the writing fodder they provide. So, when they inevitably read this post, I would just like to assure them that I thoroughly enjoyed all of our conversations. (And the lasagna was fantastic!)